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Different types of Asexuals
Kitty Borg
cassiopeia13 wrote in asexuality
So...

Here's my question. From a lot of what I've heard people talk about how they don't have a sex drive or they just plain don't WANT to ever have sex. I've heard some people say sometimes they get urges and want them to go away.

But are there people who are disappointed they have no sex drive or find the act of sex boring?

Maybe I'm a romantic at heart. Or read too much slash fiction *heh* But I have been in love before, and I have been very close to a person where I feel comfortable enough touching and being naked... I enjoy the idea of making the other person feel good, and I've had good sexual experiences, but it's not a need for me. When I'm with someone I'm in love with, I feel like I SHOULD want to be close, intimate and sexual with that person. I feel like I should want to kiss them. And sometimes it's fun, but for the most part, I get nothing out of making out. *heh* I really just don't like it.

Are there other people who are disappointed that sex is ... well... boring to them? And not really in the sense of "well maybe you didn't have a good sexual experience or maybe you need to find out what you like" And I realize not everyone has good sex until they meet "the one", but for me it's more than that. For me I just... don't want to, and I'm kind of sad I don't want to because I'm a very sensual person and the idea of having a sexual relationship with someone I love really makes me happy.

Anyone else like that?

I definitely am, too (and I read tons of slash fanfiction, too!). I like to think that I'm very sex-positive, and sometimes looking at artistic pictures of people having sex makes me feel sad, because I feel like I'll never have that kind of love. And then I feel like a bad asexual for thinking that a person can't have romance without sex; but to me the difference between romantic and platonic love has always been sexual attraction. *shrugs* I kinda keep hoping I'm demisexual (think that's the right term) and that if I finally fall in love with someone, I'll actually want a sexual relationship with them.

I feel like that too! Exactly!

I feel like I'm somehow betraying asexuals everywhere by being SAD that I want to want sex... but that's totally rediculous *HEH* Which I KNOW but ... still...

I've been in love, and while I did enjoy sex, it was more of an emotional connection than actually enjoying sex. I got absolutely no enjoyment out of the sexual act.

But I think you can have a romantic love without wanting to have sex with that person...

I have another problem. I make out with everybody because it's meaningless to me. Things do get messy, though. Good things I'm the asexual borderline girl, so it's just making out. Argh.

I am very much this way. I have a sex drive and don't mind that I do. I even experience 'sexual attraction', in that there are men I want to know physically because they are very beautiful to me. But that knowing would include nothing more than touch, physical closeness, and kissing, and I'm not even sure how far I want to go with touch.

I often wish I were "made differently" as well because there have been, in the past few years, a few guys I would have loved to have dated, but my not wanting to have sex has precluded that. I don't know how I will ever find a partner and still be true to who I am. I'm not totally opposed to doing some sexual things for/with someone I care for who cares for me, and whose body I find appealing, but sex is 100% off the menu, and that's a deal breaker for a lot of people


I feel this way too.

It's like a craving I have to find a mate and start a family. You have no idea how badly I want a child, but being single I'm not monetarily able to have one at the moment. I have no issues with raising a child as a single parent, but I can't SUPPORT a child at the moment, so I won't be irresponsible and bring one into the world.

I wish there was a ... type of dating site for asexuals. Where we can find someone we want to be with, romantically, but without that worry about if that other person is going to want sex.

I just wish it wasn't the be all and end all of a relationship. I've been in sexual relationships, a few long term, and there is always without fail some bullshit about it eventually. Wanting it too much, not enough, not doing XYZ, doing XYZ wrong, GAH!!

I might - MIGHT - be willing to have sex again, at least occasionally, or become more comfortable going further, if it wasn't such an expectation. Like , OK, we've been on 5 dates, we're going to have sex now and you must want it twice a week after that point. It might sound like I'm bitter about sex, or that something bad happened, but neither are true. I just hate that the focus of so many relationships is something I really don't care if I ever do again.


There are two terms I've heard, although I don't know if they've fallen out of ace-vogue. Nevertheless, I think they're very descriptive and useful.

Indifferent Asexuals and Repulsed Asexuals.

They're pretty much self-explanatory. Indifferent Aces are indifferent to sex. It's meh. Repulsed Aces are repulsed by sex, or find it repulsive.

I look at it as a spectrum of Indifferent-------Repulsed. And you can be more one than the other, mostly one or mostly the other, or both at once. (Or, I guess, neither, since aces are all about choosing the Other option :D)

PS: I use these terms whenever I give my ace-presentation to people, since they're useful words for describing outlooks upon sex, and understandable to sexuals.

Most of the times I'm indifferent, but I had sexual encounters (and yes, I'm asexual. I'm not out, yet, not sure if I'll be soon), that the mere thought about them repulse me, but mostly because of the person.

I suppose it depends on the definition of asexual but the way I tend to describe it - and god knows that's an uphill struggle half the time - is as the opposite of being bisexual. Sex doesn't necessarily come into it. An asexual can be interested in sex, they're simiply not physically attracted to any gender.

Though as you say of yourself, I have no idea what is vogue within the community either, or even what consensus or definition is for many of these issues.

I like those terms, I'm going to start using them! Thanks :)

Yes, there are. To me, this nothingness is a curse. I'd like to have a relationship, I don't want to be alone. And the odds of finding someone who's asexual and also fits me are very slim.

Plus, I always have the feeling I am missing the bigger picture. Like a secret everyone knows but me. And how easy can it be for people to get involved sexually and forget about whatever, just enjoy it (I'm more bitter when I wake up, I guess. But I don't like being asexual, even though I am).

I see it like that too. Like I'm cursed with the "blah" of it...

For me it's not that I have no drive or find it boring, it's just a simple lack of compulsion. I appreciate beauty but a beautiful person is the same as a beautiful sculpture, the urge to engage in sexual activity simply isn't there.

Oddly enough I read and write slashfic. I definately have kinks and occasionally enjoy seeing to myself, if that's not tmi.

I have very little experience but that which I do have left me to wonder if the attraction is needed for that form of engagement to be enjoyable. Or whether it simply takes finding someone very compatible and whether or not that is the same for sexuals in a way. Forgive me if my questions become too personal but may I ask which part of sex is boring for you, so to speak, I would presume that the orgasm itself is distracting enough? Or perhaps that is simply my own bias, I simply wonder if a good partner for an asexual may accept that some bits are... well, uninteresting and allow for acceptable accomodations...

It's not TMI, I'm the same way. I have my kinks, and I know what I like sexually. But I just have no desire for the sex. I guess I said that badly, because I SOMEWHAT have a sex drive, just no desire for the actual sex and that ANNOYS me!

I also read and write slash fiction ^_^

I also wonder about the attraction and emotional connection has to be very high before the sex would be enjoyable. Strangely enough reading Sherlock Holmes fiction has me thinking about this. I see Sherlock more like me. *HEH* Like... he doesn't like being touched or have any compulsion for sex, but if he met THE person (like.. John for instance ^_~) he would enjoy it.

I have never orgasmed with another person. EVER. I get to the point where I'm like "okay I'm done now" because while I like the emotional connection of being naked and the touching (to a certain point) It gets to the point where I just want to stop. The same with kissing.

I have a friend who is very sexual. And me and him have played around a lot, because we're both sensual creatures and he understands that there are parts of me that are just uninterested and don't respond. But he's found other areas that are enjoyable for me if he touches them and does. So for him it's the physical and for me it's just the intimate emotion. Neither of us orgasm, it's not what it's about.

But he's a friend. We have no desire for a relationship with one another, not to mention he lives in another state.

I want to find a person who accepts like he does. But for him, he CAN accept because he can get the physical release else where. Where if I had a mate, I wouldn't WANT them to seek elsewhere.

Does that make sense?

Edited at 2010-09-26 05:46 pm (UTC)

Once again, same. I actually have a moderate libido, just no desire to include anyone else physically. I also enjoy BDSM, but in terms of sensation and power exchange rather than sex. And I also write fic (het) and can - if what my feedback tells me can be trusted - blister the paint on the walls. Guess I'm more a philosopher than a plumber.

Although I experience no sexual attraction and have no drive to have sex, I have tried sex numerous times. I have been willing to compromise and do things for others/allow them to do things to me in the past, and I'm not in any way afraid of sex or even embarrassed by it. I've never been passionate and carefree in a sexy situation, but I've been comfortable. I just find it incredibly boring. I find giving people pleasure a massive chore, a battle of egos I feel we could both do without, and receiving pleasure... well, it's a lot of unnecessary work-up for a result I could achieved on my own in a matter of seconds. Heehee. The trouble with being in a sexual relationship as an asexual is that you always have to compromise. My last sexual relationship went on for months and I ended up resenting it. I've learnt from this and I'm unlikely to bother again, even if I do fall in love with somebody one day. The idea of having a sexual relationship with anybody is not something I need to be happy, so I won't make the mistake of getting into one again. Romanticness, on the other hand, is something I go hot and cold on. Sometimes I really want somebody to hang out with, but most of the time I don't. But even if I do find myself in a romantic situation again, I will never see myself making out or anything again. Hugs and hand-holding at the most, are all I would get involved in. And that's only if it 'just happens'. I can't stand it when physical contact is expected of me. I can't compromise on it any more.

Edited at 2010-09-26 06:27 pm (UTC)

I'm perfectly happy that I do not have a sex drive. I'm mostly repulsed by sex and grossed out by it. I'd prefer if I did not have to get naked with someone I'm close to. I'm perfectly happy just holding hands and hugging. :S I'm very sensual and emotional but it has no ties or boundries to physical contact.

I view myself as "mostly asexual", or "asexual, more or less", for lack of a better term. I don't have a physical drive to have sex. I am a very sensual person, and enjoy touching, cuddling, kissing, etc. but feel something like indifference to sex -- it might be great, but for lots of reasons, I'm not having it, and don't particularly feel I need to right now. When I'm with my boyfriend, I occasionally have the emotional urge to do so, mostly because he is sexual, and I know I would enjoy his reaction, I know he would like it, and I might even find I myself enjoying it for reasons other than knowing it makes him happy. Not being sexual hasn't kept me from wanting my primary emotional partner to have sexual satisfaction, and being willing to find ways of providing that, because that's something he likes and wants, though he has insisted it has never been a need. Perhaps because he insists it's not a need, I'm more willing to consider it, as an indication to him of my commitment to his happiness.

Before I started to have the emotional desire to provide for his sexual needs, I often felt sad that my lack of interest in sex might prevent me from having a happy romantic partner. I no longer feel this way. I'm not interested in sex for the sake of having sex, but I'm at a place in my romantic relationship where enjoying sex, or if not the sex itself aspects of what sex could bring to my romantic dynamic, is something that has replaced fear or sadness about my lack of interest in sex as physical pleasure.

In general, I find the idea of having sex pretty boring and pointless - like there are many other things I'd rather be doing with my time & energy. There is one exception to this, however.

At the start of a new romantic relationship, I feel the urge to be close to the other person, physically - skin to skin contact, snuggling, kissing, etc. If it goes to sex, that's fine, if not, also fine. After awhile, the desire to be close remains, but the being okay with sex part goes away. I'm not sure if it's biological thing where sex hormones = strong bond with a person (which is generally true - sexual pleasure releases oxytocin in your body, which is the chemical that stimulates attachment and affection) or if it's mostly that I'm 'trained' to want to have sex with a new partner.

I'm exceedingly lucky, and I know it, because I'm in love with and in a relationship with another asexual. He'd sort of suspected his asexuality, but had never had sex so wasn't completely sure of it - until we tried to have sex and it just didn't work the way we expected. He found that what he most wanted was to be close to me, cuddle me, kiss and fall asleep next to me - right in line with what I wanted. We still do sexual 'play' (the aforementioned biological bonding reasons, and it's fun) but we're both fully well aware that we'll both stop wanting sexual gratification 99% of the time after awhile, and we're both okay with that.

I guess that puts us both on the 'indifferent' end of the spectrum - definitely romantic, but generally indifferent to sex. Not repulsed by it, our bodies, each other, etc. but just not really interested.

I have serious issues (body issues, trust issues, anxiety issues) and allowing another human to touch me is a major stretch. I was celibate for over 20 years, and swore that I was asexual (meaning I had no feelings towards either gender, and was not sexually attracted to anyone or anything). I recently resumed sexual activity, but honestly...I rather wish I hadn't. My so-called FWB doesn't "believe in" foreplay, and is the type to get it up, get it in, get it on, get it over and GTFO- which doesn't do a damn thing for me. It's not enjoyable, it's boring AND painful- thank god it's over in 2 or 3 minutes. (And it doesn't help that he's told me to get the hell away from him and leave him alone afterwards, instead of cuddling or snuggling.)

I have a barely-existent attachment to humans and society in general (I'm an extreme introvert and very antisocial), so I guess this is the best I can do.

I dunno what a FWB is, but I'd never accept that from a mate. For any reason. Especially if it hurt.

Yes. I am very sensual, soulful & romantic person as well and I even have sexual feelings now and then but I guess most of them are learnt (cultural) behaviour more than something I really want. I love the deep, soulful connection which at times may manifest as intimacy but most of the time I find sex & how it is seen & expressed in this culture very boring, uninteresting and even rather harmful (and no, i don't mean it is a sin or something forbidden or dirty... I just think it is terribly overrated and I can't understand why it seems to affect on people so very much that they follow their urges & mess their lives up because of that).

Sometimes I feel very strange because everyone keep praising sex as the most wonderful thing in life but to me it is not important part of life at all. And it is not that I haven't ever had "good sex". It is just that I think there are many things in life that I find much more beautiful, inspiring & satisfying than sex could ever be. At times sex seems completely absurd and weird to me and I can't relate to it at all.

I long for romance and emotions and strong feelings but I hardly ever long for sex. I read slash and have some fantasies about sexual intimacy but it is never about me being with another person. It is always fictional. I like to cuddle and be close, have some caring & tenderness but it is usually not of sexual nature and I easily feel confused when people react to touch as if it was always an impulse to something sexual.

Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me when everyone else seems to think it is not normal not to find sex interesting & important but then I really feel happy and balanced about my life and I could live without having sex for the rest of my life and it wouldn't be a problem at all. I wonder if I miss something by being the way I am but on the other hand I also feel a bit arrogant (I know, it is not good but I can't help it) about people who just follow their urges and then feel miserable because they made wrong choices in life...

I don't know. I hope you'll figure it out and find your happiness whatever way it comes to you. Sexual or not.

I felt like this a lot, and still sometimes come back to it. We're oversaturated in sex, I think, and oddly, I feel like I have a much healthier attitude towards sex and sexuality than many sexuals I know (y'know what they say about outsider perspective haha). And as an artist I endeavor to experience as much of the human experience as I can, but I can't do sexuality OR romance, and sometimes it's just painfully clear how much my feelings and experiences are invalidated because of that. So there's the frustration of being seen as something 'less' to other people, the frustration of knowing you are missing out on something that should be pretty special and important, and the pain of knowing that almost every person in your life will always be looking for something you can't give them. It's hard, and sometimes it makes me sad. But I am who I am, and most days I'm happy with that. Other days... well, I deal with it okay. I feel like I have my own private version of sexuality, or sensuality, however you word it and it's not interrupted or altered by another person or their perceptions or expectations of me, and I like that. I still long for deep human connection, but I don't want the responsibility of being somebody's number one, or having to hold someone to that standard

In the times of self-doubt or self-pity, it helps to remind myself how many sexuals use sex as an excuse for really stupid behavior, rather than that deep connection we are meant to associate with sex.

ETA: I don't mean to be anti-sexual, just to say I've known a lot of sexuals with an unhealthy preoccupation with their sexuality, and an even more unhealthy attitude towards my supposed 'lack' of one.

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