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Shit Sexual People Say (to Asexual People)
ivy
swankivy wrote in asexuality
Edit: This call for collaboration is now over, and the video is made:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBabpK_nvs0
The original post continues below.


Hi y'all,

You may have seen the "Shit Girls Say" video and the multiple parodies in the format of "S*** [group] says to [other group]" lately. (Some favorites of mine have been "Shit White Girls Say...to Black Girls" and "Stuff Cis People Say To Trans People.") I've been hoping to make a collaborative "S*** Sexual People Say (to Asexual People)" video, but this gal scooped me (heh):

Shit Sexual People Say to Aces

Hers is great and I really enjoyed it! But I still wanna do a collab, because I think having a bunch of faces and a bunch of perspectives makes it more visually interesting and fun to watch than any video I could do alone. So here, I'm putting out a call for submissions. I've noticed that it's a more constructive teaching tool if we mostly focus on stuff sexual people say when they're TRYING to be supportive but just don't realize they're saying something unhelpful or ignorant, with maybe a few of the more annoying/more prevalent "bingo" squares thrown in for good measure.

So I'm going to make a "Shit Sexual People Say (to Asexual People)" and release it on my channel (which has well over a thousand subscribers interested in seeing ace stuff!), and if you want to contribute, here's how:

1. Record yourself saying things sexual people say to you. (Please use the videos above for reference if you want to understand the format.)
2. Don't worry about cutting the video professionally, adding music, or polishing it. I'm going to do the editing.
3. Please make sure both the lighting and the quality of your sound recording is the best you can get. Ideally, bright light and no buzzing/appliance sounds/music in the background. Any digital video format is fine.
4. Make it interesting and authentic--again, use the videos referenced for guidance--with yourself in various different places/angles/positions or looking like you're in the process of saying these things to an absent asexual someone.
5. Send your video to me and tell me what name you'd like to use in the credits!

And here are the ways you can get videos to me:

* E-mail me a link to your video recordings uploaded to DropBox or a similar file-sharing service (swankivy2@aol.com, or leave me an LJ message)
* Upload it to YouTube with the settings on "limited" so you can share only with people who have the link, then send me the link
* Make your own public video and notify me that I have permission to use its footage
* Comment below and tell me how you're going to get it to me some other way

And feel free to just make your own if you don't wanna be in my collab but you like the idea. You just may get seen more on my channel unless you have a more popular one. I'll make the final choices on what gets into the video and I don't want it to be hideously long, so I'll pick and choose according to my own judgment, and I hope you guys are okay with that.

Since I also don't want it to take forever to coordinate and put together, I'll give you, eh, ten days to put yours together and get it to me. I'll accept links to vids up through Monday, January 23. (I'll be lenient, though, on the time; if you've got one coming but you can't quite make it, just comment and tell me.)

Am cross-posting this on Facebook and AVEN, but share in your own circles if you have folks who might be interested.

Under the cut are a bunch of suggestions, though you're by no means restricted to these. I will be recording some or nearly all of these myself, but if I like your delivery better I will use yours, so please record the ones you like. There are also a few under the cut that I never personally get because I'm not in the demographic they apply to, but you'll see what I mean.


For additional inspiration: Bingo 1 and Bingo 2. But mostly try to make them things well-meaning people say to you.

* That's SO awesome that you're saving yourself!

* I was asexual for a while. That time that I was really busy? Totally asexual.

* You're what? Don't insult yourself like that, you're totally sexy!

* I know you're asexual and stuff, but you've had sex, right? I mean, you must have. You're, like, 30 or something, right?

* I SO wish I was asexual. You must get SO MUCH DONE.

* I didn't know you were a nun.

* Wow, playing hard-to-get?

* I can't imagine being like that. But good for you!

* You're such a tease.

* It's fine with me if you want to take it slow.

* You say that now, but you'll fall in love someday.

* If you're happy with a houseful of cats, it's none of my business.

* Don't worry, you'll find someone!

* Heh, do what you want, but you're missing out.

* EVERY TIME I try to set you up with a guy, you throw your asexuality in my face!

* I'm not disrespecting you at all! I just want to make sure you're HAPPY!

* Can't you just get Viagra or something?

* Why is that too personal? I'm just CURIOUS.

* There's always counseling.

* I heard asexual was the new gay.

* Do you think I'm nasty for wanting sex?

* Don't take this wrong, but I think you're just introverted, not asexual.

* Then what do you DO all day?

* I'm just trying to help you.

* Is that, like, a diagnosis you got from a doctor?

* How can you say you're asexual? You have, like, the dirtiest mind of anyone I know.

* No offense, but why don't you just say "celibate"?

* You shouldn't write it off just because you tried it once and did it wrong.

* C'mon, there's someone for everyone!

* Sounds kinda close-minded if you ask me.

* I'm just saying, orgasms are AWESOME.

* You know if everyone was like you there'd be no more babies, right?

* Yeah, my boyfriend's been acting weird . . . last night he said he wanted to try a new position. OH WAIT never mind I don't want to gross you out, I'll stop talking about sex!

* How did you become asexual? I really want to get rid of my urges. . . .

* When did you decide you were asexual?

* Are you sure?

* Don't you think you'll regret that?

* Do you really need a label for all the sex you're not having?

* So which presidential candidate does the asexual community like?

* That's not a PERSONAL MEDICAL QUESTION at all! I just want to know if you've gotten your hormones checked! Sorr-REE!

* Asexual or not, why don't you just TRY IT?

* You should really wear less revealing clothes. You're, like, falsely advertising.

* Hahah, she TOTALLY needs to get laid! OH SORRY.

* I'm not trying to be the label police or anything, but asexuals CANNOT be queer.

* No, she wouldn't want to go to that movie, stupid. There's nudity in it. Have a little respect for her!

* Is this really something that needs awareness? Nobody's getting asexual-bashed.

* I admire your self-control so much!

* That's amazing. I bet you're more evolved than everyone else.

* You must be so spiritually enlightened!

* What? But you're sooooo cute!

* I have nothing against asexuals, but you guys should really find a more appropriate word.

* When you see Brad Pitt on the screen, you REALLY don't get horny? REALLY?

* What did you think of that movie The 40-Year-Old Virgin?

* You can't be asexual. I've SEEN the fanfic you write.

Lines I want to put in multiple times, said by multiple people different ways:

* Don't you masturbate? / But you do masturbate, right? / If you deal with it by beating off it's none of my business.

* But what about kids? / Don't you want kids? / We're here to reproduce!

Would love to have a non-white asexual do this one:

* I don't get why you don't worry about racism first. Isn't that a bigger problem for you?

Would love to have a guy asexual do these:

* I've heard of asexual girls, but guys HAVE to have sex, don't they?

* How can you not want to bone her?

Would love to have a non-cis asexual do this:

* Once you get the right genitals you'll want sex.

* If you're so confused about your gender, it makes sense that you'd be confused about sex.

Would love to have a teen asexual do these ones:

* Don't worry, you'll grow out of it.

* You kids and your phases.

* Did you get this idea from the Internet?

Would love to have an older asexual (ideally past 40) do this:

* That's not asexual, that's just normal for your age.

Would love to have a gay asexual do these:

* How can you be gay AND ace? That's a contradiction!

* I thought you gay people were supposed to be all about sex!

Would love to have a demisexual do these:

* How is that special if you only want sex sometimes? It's not like I want to bang everyone I see, and you don't see me calling myself demisexual.

* Isn't "demisexual" just a fancy way of saying you're picky?

Would love to see a romantic asexual do these:

* You know you're just in puppy love with your partner, right?

* If you guys get married, you know what your partner will expect, right?

Videos contributed so far: 16

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* I SO wish I was asexual. You must get SO MUCH DONE.

LOL, I always laugh at that one. Dude, have you ever MET the internet?

Same!!! Though I DO get a lot done so people are always blaming my asexuality for it. Like "Oh, you only get so much done and make me feel really inadequate because you don't care about important things like screwing." (Well, you know. They don't exactly say that. But they suggest it.)

I like to think that I'm just a highly motivated person, and that if pursuing mates or maintaining a romantic/sexual relationship was something I was interested in, I'd do THAT passionately too!

How about "At least you don't have to worry about relationships"?

Anything that's been said to you is fair game for videos!

I've heard that one myself. Kinda goes hand in hand with "your life must be so uncomplicated!"

i haven't had like any of those said to me. the ones i get are "you just haven't had good sex yet" "well, how many people have you slept with?" "were you molested?" "you're just repressing a trauma." "are you SURE you've had an orgasm before?"

Most of those are on the bingo cards, I think . . . and they're fair game too, but mostly I'm kinda trying to repeat the slightly less ridiculous and trollish things that they say while thinking they're being supportive.

If you've never seen my video Asexual Bingo, I have a ton of the nastier ones in there. :o

Pfft yeah heard a lot of these tossed around at people, even if not at me all the time. :F And I'm a transguy so I'd be willing to try reading some of the lines if you need someone to do it. Also not sure if I'm demisexual or just romantic ace yet (always thought I was the latter until recently, could have had a lot to do with my dysphoria).

I don't necessarily "need" anyone to do anything, but I'm hoping to provide an opportunity for people who want to contribute to a video to do their little part and have some fun! If those are the ones that call to you and you want to help, feel free to submit some video according to the instructions, and add your own if you think of some. If nobody does certain lines or other ones I think are better pop up, it's no big deal! I have TWO trans guy friends, but I don't know if either would want to be in a video.

I have a trans lady acquaintance who realized she wasn't asexual after she transitioned. Of course there's some fluidity with regards to sexuality for those whose hormones, identity, and bodies are going through big changes, and sexuality can even be fluid for people who AREN'T going through all that, so it makes sense that sometimes when things "settle down" people realize they do have some sexual attraction/interest. But you're the only one who gets to say that. Other people should respect you enough to assume you're qualified to describe your own feelings, and it's not constructive at all to tell someone they must be wrong about themselves. :)

interesting and cool project, will certainly consider and have a think about participating in this.

Cool! It will probably be viewed by a lot of people though so feel free to decide against it if that makes you uncomfortable. :)

This is a wonderful, awesome and I imagine potentially hilarious idea and I'd love to be a part of it! I've actually had a recent spate of things said to me that would be worthy of this video, sadly; my only question is, how many submissions would you like? I saw the "Sh*t White Girls Say To Black Girls" and each phrase was only a few seconds long.

I'd like to have a mess of submissions. I figure a lot of people will say the same things and I'll just pick the best delivery of each (or repeat some for emphasis). You can make the video as long as you like, though for the format it is preferred that you make your phrases fairly short. (Anything in the list would work, and anything LIKE the things in the list would work, or the bingo cards, or short sum-ups of ignorant phrases from your life.)

I've already got a couple submissions. Maybe I'll edit above to show how many I'm getting?

"It's because you're fat, isn't it? Maybe if you lost some weight...."
"You just haven't met the right man/woman/person yet, wont you let me try?"
"Were you molested as a kid?"
"So, how can you love anybody?"

If you need someone to do the fat one, I can cause I am rather, ah, overweight.

I would love to have you do "the fat one" and any others . . . people do love to find something about your appearance and assume it's responsible for your asexuality. (I've been in lengthy Internet spats about how "obviously you look like a little kid even though you're past 30, so there's got to be something wrong with you, and that's why you haven't matured.") Some medical issues make sex drive decrease, sure, but considering the huge misconception in our society that fat people are necessarily unhealthy, I'm not surprised when people take that angle, either. The molestation one is on the bingo cards and has been thrown very hatefully at me more often than I can count. I have a hard time understanding why, if someone ACTUALLY THINKS I might have been molested, they bring it up in casual conversation. Horrible.

Forgot to say, I'm a teenager so I'd be happy to do the teen ones - I look hah, young for my age too.

I look young for my age too--no one ever believes I'm 33 and there have even been arguments about how I have to be lying on the Internet, and last year I had to go to the store and buy cigarettes for my mom when she was injured and the cashier accused me of having a fake ID and refused to sell to me. (I had a really hard time believing that she thought I was under 18. Holy crap.)

Feel free to record the teen ones if you choose! Or any others!

Cool project c:

I've been told "I won't accept you as asexual until you chop off an arm and it grows into a new you" by a friend, so I'd be happy to potentially take some amoeba/mitosis ones >>

Hahaha please! Though the jokes about being an amoeba feel like an attempt to make the whole thing absurd and not actually discuss the issue. Since we're not talking about ASEXUAL REPRODUCTION when we say our SEXUAL ORIENTATION is asexual, I don't know why people even actually take more than a single shot joke with this track . . . I'm like dude, we are not saying we can reproduce asexually so shooting that down IS NOT DISPROVING ANYTHING. . . .

Take whichever ideas you like and run with them! Would love to see a video by you.

Haha! I'm making a video right. now.

Excellent, I'll look for your communications.

Also contributing my personal favourite: "nuns went out in the sixteenth century"

That's great. I like that one, haven't explicitly heard it stated that way.

Some of the more bizarre things I've heard, not actually said to me though, but on the internet were things like "Sure I believe in asexuality. As long as it's the no libido, no masterbating, no sex, no relationships kind. otherwise I think you're lying.", and "If you don't hate sex then what's the point of identifying as asexual?", and "Hollywood gets everything wrong. Sexual attraction and the importance of having sex in a relationship aren't actually a big deal in real life. You'd know that if you got off the interenet and tried a real relationship."

Yeah, those are definitely bizarre. I've definitely heard the "You're not asexual unless you're also without libido and without relationships" statement, and I've definitely been told that willingness to have sex if you're asexual makes no sense (which is hilarious, considering I've also heard the reversal--I SHOULD be INDIFFERENT to sex if the REAL reason behind my disinterest isn't revulsion or fear based on trauma, etc.). But I have to say I've never heard anyone say that in real life relationships don't tend to carry the expectation of sex. That's a new one on me. (And the icing on the cake--that we got this idea that sex is important to people from the Internet--is even more hilarious.) Sorry, but in my experience it's so expected that it's not even discussed. Even in some situations where I've been EXPLICIT about not wanting a sexual relationship with anyone ever, I've had guys try to hit on me and explain that they don't need sex RIGHT AWAY or anything. They're willing to respect me and wait 'til I'm ready. WHAT.

For reference:

Conversation with a guy who thought [not interested at all] was code for [we'll take it slow]

Conversation with a guy who explained up front that he wouldn't expect sex until date 4 or 5

Edited at 2012-01-14 08:40 pm (UTC)

"You're just a late bloomer."
"You know it's fine if you're gay, right?"
"You're repressed, that's not the same."
"It's just because boys your age are stupid. It will get easier."
"You do like to be different, don't you?"
"You're young, it takes time to figure out what you want."
"Bad break-up, huh?"
"I know you say you're asexual/aromantic, but I really hope, someday, you find what I have with yadda yadda."

Dismissive assholes are the best, right? I don't quite know how to feel about the last one as it's more about people wanting me to be happy, but I mean that's part of why being ace is so hard, people projecting their idea of happiness onto everyone else, right?

Edited at 2012-01-14 09:38 pm (UTC)

Yes. And I've heard all of those myself (though not the "boys your age" thing lately, because I'm 33--boys presumably don't really get smacked with an "immature" reputation that's to blame for their stupidity at my age). Most of those are on my bingo cards in some form.

I don't like the "but you'll be lonely--I've got to intervene and HELP you" attitude. I know they're supposedly well-meaning, but what they're communicating is that they do not trust me to accurately describe my own feelings, and they think their opinion on my feelings is likely to be more applicable to my life than what I want to do.

ohgod, I've had the amoeba and budding ones said to me loads of times. and the one person who does believe me about my asexuality since she has two close lesbian ace friends, happens to seem to be attracted to me. so yeah, don't feel comfortable hugging her anymore =X=X

I'd love to participate in this though, btw.

I'll look forward to a video from you then . . . if you have any problems or any questions leading up to it, feel free to mail me privately; my e-mail's in the post.

Damn! My Internet's down. :( All of the above pretty much hit it on the mark. I'd like to add the "Hi this is my friend ___, she's Asexual. So don't hit on her."

-_-

Ugh, that reminds me of the ones where people feel like they have to censor themselves (or situations) around me because I'm asexual and somehow this is respectful rather than infantilizing. If I haven't explicitly said that the mention of sex or things related makes me uncomfortable, I think it's weird to assume I'm grossed out by it or am obviously a prude.

I got someone using clapping as a (word I forget) example? Saying: "You can't clap with one hand." I think that's funny. I also got: "Maybe you should go to the doctor. I mean, your hormones might acting up." Oh and from my sis: "You're just a late bloomer."

Will send a link to the vid when I post. I love this idea!

I could do the non-white asexual one too, if you want. I think it's hilarious!

Yes please, still looking for videos! Can't wait! I'll surely send a reminder when the deadline's only a few days away.

Ah, the "get your hormones checked" one came from my grandmother. And don't forget the, "Do you think you'll get better?", which I got from an ex. (Or the, "You belong with people like you" when I didn't.)

I don't feel comfortable contributing to the project, but good luck!

That's fine! You can still be supportive without being in the project I'm sure. :)

I really hate "get your hormones checked," and one time I got "I can turn you back to hetero baby, just give me an hour." Not only is it "I could change you," but it's "back to" hetero that he wants to turn me, as if I ever was straight. I WASN'T.

"Maybe he's just a bad kisser."
Not sure if that one counts as funny... it wasn't at the time.

They don't have to be funny . . . part of the reason they're "funny" to people is that they're ridiculous, but many of them in the wrong contexts can certainly hurt, too.

I had a boyfriend in high school who had such a wide reputation for being a jerk that my best friend's MOM knew what a prick he was. At one point she commented to my friend, "If the only person I ever dated was HIM, I'd be asexual too."

(He wasn't the only guy I ever dated, incidentally, but it wouldn't have mattered. It's kind of funny in a way, but it definitely suggests that dating/being intimate with the wrong person and having a bad experience can "make you asexual," and also suggests I'm not qualified to describe how I feel because someone can always pin a reason on it and dismiss what I'm saying.)

I get, "You say that now, but you'll fall in love someday," all the time. I've also been accused of being in denial of my homosexuality.

My favorite is probably, "But what's your purpose in life, then?"

I'll definitely try to film a few clips later today if you still need footage, and as a college student I've got an unsurprisingly large repertoire of, "You just haven't found the right guy!" and "You're just not mature enough yet." and "You'll change your mind soon enough." if you'd like.

I'd love to receive your clips, sure! I used to get that "you will, someday, when you grow up" kind of response, but now I only get it when people don't know how old I am. I look pretty young and no one ever believes I'm in my thirties. But when they know my age they usually don't use that one on me.

My "favorites":
"You just haven't found the right guy (or girl or whatever) yet!" or
"You can't like someone and not want to **** them!" or
"Really? o___O Are you sure?"

Yeesh.
I'd take a romantic-ace one, but I have no clue how to do any video stuff. :(
Looking forward to seeing this finished, though! And DEFINITELY sharing. :D

Thanks for spreading the word!

I think the concept that "you can't" like someone or have positive feelings for the person without wanting sex with that person is probably the most offensive. I think what those people mean to say when they say "you can't" is that "I can't." And I guess that means nothing they've felt for other people besides sexual attraction is actually real and compelling. ::shrug:: Really bothers me when people pretend they have the authority to dictate what can and can't happen with my feelings.

"are you still asexual?" I remember someone asking me that every couple of weeks for a year...

Oh lordy. I've gotten that too. I even used to get it regularly from a gay guy. I'd always respond with "Yep! Still screwin' dudes?"

And what's really annoying is how defensive they get. When we tell them it's not appropriate to keep asking us if we're "still" the sexual orientation we are--as if they expect one day the answer will be "yes, I've changed"--they insist that it's a completely innocuous and inoffensive and relevant question to ask an asexual, while asking someone "so are you still straight?" would indeed be dismissive. Somehow it's okay for US, though. And I think it's because they're not processing asexuality as a sexual orientation. They're processing it as a lack of one. A blank, a hole--something that will eventually be filled in. But it's not a blank. It is an ANSWER of "NO." That's not to say that some people might not eventually realize they have sexual attractions/interests, but it seriously happens as often as gay people realize they're "actually" straight.

AHH I wish I would've seen this sooner
Do you still need clips?

Sure I do! You've still got a weekend before I start working on stitching it together. I don't intend to extend the deadline, but it's still like three days away.

"Is that like... an amoeba? Do you split in two? Ha-ha."

"What do you mean you NEVER want it?"

"How do you know you haven't just met the right person?"

"Have you ever even had an orgasm?"

"You know, sex can be a really beautiful thing. It's part of the human experience."

"I always wanted to be someone's first positive sexual experience."

"Were you molested?"

"How did you get so repressed? Did something happen?"

Etcetc

Heh, some of the more offensive list items aren't being used in the video, but you should see how great it came out . . . I'll finish editing it and post it soon.


"But you're so pretty!"


To an 'I'm not interested' statement:
"Really? Why?" sometimes followed by "Are you sure?"


"You're weird."


"But everyone wants a boyfriend."


"Yeah, you must read a lot of porn online. That's why you spend so much time on the computer, right?" or "you must be into kinky stuff." (not the exact words in either example, but basically the message)


"You really don't like people, do you?" (again, not explicitly stated, but said in a roundabout way)


"It's okay to like girls, you know that, right?"


said earnestly:
"Are you okay?"

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