So, you know when you are in that stage of 'hmmm, I pretty sure I'm asexual' but at the back of your mind is that little voice saying 'maybe I just haven't met the "one"' or 'maybe my sexuality is so kinky or something' or, tonight's theme, 'maybe if I just push myself, I'll like it eventually'.
(lj cut for semi-explicit sexual activities. For god's sake, be warned. If you are upset or grossed out by sex, don't read this.)
Anyway, I do enjoy sex with myself and how often have I been told that sensations are more pleasurable if they're done by someone else, just like a massage. So tonight I decided to test it out a bit, with a guy I know that's been asking me out every now and again for a few years. He often asks me around to his house to go in his spa and then makes a mention of how he likes skinny dipping, so I was under no allusions as to what might be up for offer if I said yes. I caught up with him at a new years party and he messaged me tonight to see if i wanted to come around, and I, under some New Year's 'try something new' influence, said yes. Don't think I was under any pressure or anything, it was my decision to go.
If anything I was using him because I liked him as much as I've liked any person but I certainly am not interested in a relationship with him.
We headed out to the spa and it was really nice. I'd had a drink and he offered to get me another and I said yes. I had a tshirt and shorts on and he asked if I minded if he went naked and I said I didn't mind. and I didn't. It didn't affect me in any way. He made a few comments about how nice it was and I was like, what the heck, ok, lets get naked. Maybe now I'll start to get aroused or something, like I should be. Eventually, as I knew it would, there were careless touches and eventually an offer of a massage. I actually got irritated by all the times he asked me 'was that ok?' Cause I told him I'd tell him to stop if I wanted him to stop. His touches did nothing for me. It honestly felt like my boobs were just brushing against something soft and the water spouts were doing more for me than anything he tried.
I was apathetic for the most part about the whole night, but also disappointed because I spose I had sort of... hoped, maybe? wondered?... that something would click inside me and I would find the experience nice, if not pleasurable, but only once did I want him to do something sexual, which was to kiss my neck, which I like when anyone does that, it makes me shiver, and I didn't ask him to because I thought it might lead to actuallly kissing, which I knew by then I definitely didn't want to do. Or, more realisticly, couldn't be bothered trying to fake that I liked it. I touched him a bit because I didn't really want to come across as, idk, uncaring or non recipricating? or something. I think he felt like he didn't want to push me so he eventually went inside and I think he jacked off. When he came back I offered him a handjob, I don't even know why, and when he said no I was relieved. I said that I thought I might head off then, as it was late and he had work tomorrow. He made some suggestive comments and said how much he liked me etc and asked me to come around again, but mostly I work evenings so I said sure, sometime and left.
What now? I am actually disappointed. Do I just resign myself to my asexuality and try not to be jealous of my friends when they tell me about their awesome sex lives. What irritates me most is that I'm pretty sure I'd like to be given oral sex, but I don't think that's ever going to happen. I suppose I'm in a bit of a 'why me' funk and probably coming across as a bit selfish, but I just honestly feel confused by my continual desire to have sex versus my complete non-attraction to any person I've met.
I think I need a cuddle and 'there, there' pat.
- My asexual journey continues... - contains semi/ to explicit sexual references