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My asexual journey continues... - contains semi/ to explicit sexual references
Chanel
chanel_5 wrote in asexuality
So, you know when you are in that stage of 'hmmm, I pretty sure I'm asexual' but at the back of your mind is that little voice saying 'maybe I just haven't met the "one"' or 'maybe my sexuality is so kinky or something' or, tonight's theme, 'maybe if I just push myself, I'll like it eventually'.

(lj cut for semi-explicit sexual activities. For god's sake, be warned. If you are upset or grossed out by sex, don't read this.)

Anyway, I do enjoy sex with myself and how often have I been told that sensations are more pleasurable if they're done by someone else, just like a massage. So tonight I decided to test it out a bit, with a guy I know that's been asking me out every now and again for a few years. He often asks me around to his house to go in his spa and then makes a mention of how he likes skinny dipping, so I was under no allusions as to what might be up for offer if I said yes. I caught up with him at a new years party and he messaged me tonight to see if i wanted to come around, and I, under some New Year's 'try something new' influence, said yes. Don't think I was under any pressure or anything, it was my decision to go.

If anything I was using him because I liked him as much as I've liked any person but I certainly am not interested in a relationship with him.

We headed out to the spa and it was really nice. I'd had a drink and he offered to get me another and I said yes. I had a tshirt and shorts on and he asked if I minded if he went naked and I said I didn't mind. and I didn't. It didn't affect me in any way. He made a few comments about how nice it was and I was like, what the heck, ok, lets get naked. Maybe now I'll start to get aroused or something, like I should be. Eventually, as I knew it would, there were careless touches and eventually an offer of a massage. I actually got irritated by all the times he asked me 'was that ok?' Cause I told him I'd tell him to stop if I wanted him to stop. His touches did nothing for me. It honestly felt like my boobs were just brushing against something soft and the water spouts were doing more for me than anything he tried.

I was apathetic for the most part about the whole night, but also disappointed because I spose I had sort of... hoped, maybe? wondered?... that something would click inside me and I would find the experience nice, if not pleasurable, but only once did I want him to do something sexual, which was to kiss my neck, which I like when anyone does that, it makes me shiver, and I didn't ask him to because I thought it might lead to actuallly kissing, which I knew by then I definitely didn't want to do. Or, more realisticly, couldn't be bothered trying to fake that I liked it. I touched him a bit because I didn't really want to come across as, idk, uncaring or non recipricating? or something. I think he felt like he didn't want to push me so he eventually went inside and I think he jacked off. When he came back I offered him a handjob, I don't even know why, and when he said no I was relieved. I said that I thought I might head off then, as it was late and he had work tomorrow. He made some suggestive comments and said how much he liked me etc and asked me to come around again, but mostly I work evenings so I said sure, sometime and left.

What now? I am actually disappointed. Do I just resign myself to my asexuality and try not to be jealous of my friends when they tell me about their awesome sex lives. What irritates me most is that I'm pretty sure I'd like to be given oral sex, but I don't think that's ever going to happen. I suppose I'm in a bit of a 'why me' funk and probably coming across as a bit selfish, but I just honestly feel confused by my continual desire to have sex versus my complete non-attraction to any person I've met.

I think I need a cuddle and 'there, there' pat.

I think most sexual women would have found that experience disappointing. Like, he sounds like his moves would be a turn off to most people. Usually neck kissing comes way before being naked. That doesn't mean you aren't asexual, just, like, wow that guy sounds like he's bad at hooking up.

I think we're probably both no good at it, lol.

You need to do what you're most comfortable with. You clearly weren't comfortable in that situation, so why would you feel the need to go back?

I think the biggest message this and other asexual discussion/awareness group tries to get across is 'if you don't like or want it, you're not missing anything'. Sex is only awesome if you're into it. Me, I prefer a nice hot bath and a good book.

I don't find it arousing when people touch my breasts, so I don't think it means anything that you didn't find it arousing or enjoyable. I agree with the other commenter who said that the person sounds like he's bad at hookups.

I really liked this article, because I felt this could apply to me and perhaps it applies to you as well. I'm going to nod and agree with everyone else's comments. You weren't comfortable because you were trying to be like someone else. Be patient and you will find someone if that's what you really want.

Here's the article:

http://grasexuality.wordpress.com/2012/03/28/how-to-have-sex-with-an-asexual-person/

I like sex with certain people in certain situations so while I'm not trying to say 'keep trying' I'm saying that it may be different with someone else. It may not, and that's okay too. If it were me and I decided to try oral sex for the first time, I'd reserve that for someone I felt that I wanted to do that to me (as in they made an appearance in my self-love sessions, at least that's how I can tell I'm interested in someone in that way. they sort of just pop in out of nowhere like, 'ello!' and I'm like 'WTF?!? Where did you come from? I didn't know I liked you like that..') and who was okay with the fact that I had very little experience. I'd personally rather have sex with someone who is inexperienced than someone who has had tons of sex and knows they want this done in this specific way or else I'm doing it wrong... Sex is awkward enough the first 20 or so times with a new person and the added pressure of getting to know a new person physically is a real boner-killer for me.

It doesn't sound like you were into this guy so that may have had a lot to do with it. I used to have experiences like this before I understood that I was grey and was unable to articulate what I needed to potentially have a pleasant sexual encounter. I would have sex or sexual experiences when I didn't feel comfortable or into it and I saw sex as something to 'get through' in order to be in a relationship. Sort of like the price of admission. I convinced myself that I liked it even though I didn't and I would brag about having unfulfilling sex with people I didn't feel comfortable with or know well enough to really be interested in. And to be fair, if I knew the only interest someone had in me was that they wanted to fool around with me, that would kill any interest I had in them. I don't know what it is, but I like people who like me independtly of my sexuality - the fastest way to peak my sexual interest is to not be interested in me sexually. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that one. For example, my partner and I were great friends prior to dating. We talked on the phone every night for months with no interest other than getting to know one another (at the time we were both planning on moving to opposite ends of the country).

And even now, while I'm in a fulfilling, caring, and supportive long-term relationship if I'm tired or just not into it that doesn't mean things will work out on my end interest-wise. I think this is even the case for some sexuals as well if all the articles I've read and conversations I've had over the years mean anything. Fortunately, my partner and I have a repitoire of things we can do that I feel comfortable with to give him pleasure when I don't feel interested in receiving sexual attention.

Finally, I don't like to have my breasts touched either most of the time. I like to fantiasize about it, but haven't had many experiences where I actually enjoyed it. It sucks too because they're huge and dudes always go for them, but I just dont' like it.

there, there pat and cuddles

Maybe there's someting going on cosmically, because I was feeling the same way yesterday, kind of grumbly and in need of a good snuggling.

If you need a cuddle, go to a Cuddle Party. :-D I wish there were one near enough to where I live to try it out.

As for your experience, there's always the possibility that you are demi, i.e., you won't feel sexual attraction or possibly arousal until you have established emotional intimacy with someone. But don't live your life "holding out" for that. Work on accepting yourself the way you are, first. Then, after some time, if you are still truly and deeply unhappy, you could go to a sex therapist. It doesn't sound as if you even experience romantic attraction outside of sexual attraction, as some aces do. Neither do I. But I have no doubt that if I tried this or that or the other, I could mold myself into becoming either a libidoist or someone who seeks sexual encounters. Sexuality is fluid, a lot more fluid than the LGBT community is comfortable admitting.

First off I must say, DON'T think you're pathetic in ANY way, you were expressing how you TRULY Felt, and that is what is the RIGHT thing to do. You were acting on your like instincts and your instincts were just doing what they were meant to do, BE REAL. Instincts CAN'T lie, they tell the truth every, single, solitary, time. And it sounds like you were clearly NOT interested and whatever was going on was just NOT getting you going.

Now that being said ...

Granted I don't know what truly went on, since it's just from your side, and a retelling is not physically watching what takes place but here's MY Response.
First I have to ask is he an older male? If he is then this would be WHY he kept asking it you were okay with it. He seemed, it sounds to me, to intuitively KNOW that you were a virgin, or at least New to this kind of thing; or at least this is what he possibly thought. Or at least this is how it sounds, otherwise he would not have said such things.
Also, he might not have been your Type or what have you. Since the jets were doing more for you then him it seems that the kind of stimulation at least subconsciously was not welcomed, why I don't know.
Also it sounds like he didn't know what he was doing and had no real idea of how to please you, and was also (thankfully I say) a bit to worried to actually try anything further then what he as doing (rubbing your back, massaging and whatnot it sounds like).
Be grateful for this, it sounds to me like this guy is a PERV and more then likely he was hoping to get you to "discover" that you were "interested in sex after all!"
This is just my opinion mind you.
Obviously being A-Sexual this did NOT happen (duh).
When he realized he was "Striking out" he didn't know what to do about it. But that didn't stop him from getting the pleasure he was aiming for.
What this guy sounds like to me is a "distance type" I'll call it. Someone who likes to be TEASED Mercilessly, and be allowed to Watch but not really touch.These types will do minor things, stuff they can't be called on and then will do just as he did, go jerk off alone.
They might try touching a bit, but for the most part won't get near you (thankfully I must say again) until they think it's SAFE, and I mean safe with a Capital S. Obviously this guy did more then causal touching and getting near you, but at least he didn't get sex from you.

The reason he kept asking you if what he was doing was okay, and if YOU were okay with it was because he is a PERVERT, and I mean with a capital P. Whatever he was doing (and sadly from this post I don't know what, but at the moment I'll count that as a GOOD thing). Whatever he was doing was, at least in HIS mind NOT okay, or even possibly LEGAL.
WHY I don't know.
I'm sorry you went through this.
I'm very very sorry.

But as for you, don't worry, it sounds like you just haven't met anyone that say, "gets you goin'" yet and it might take some time. I have discovered that there are many levels or a like "Sliding Scale" of A-Sexuality. Some people are more A-Sexual then others. From the sound of it, especially since you are wanting to be like your friends you may actually be slightly sexual, you're just not running into anyone, or say thing that well, makes you ... I'll just say it, horny, or say excites you sexually.
This is FINE and DON'T Push it, and MOST IMPORTANTLY ACCEPT the way you are right now. My Mom used to call it a late bloomer, maybe you are; but more then likely you are clearly an A-Sexual at least at the current time. I say EMBRACE IT and PRAISE IT for really what else can you do.
But don't be disheartened, someday something or one may come along who you will suddenly be sexually excited for and on that day you'll finally be able to find that it's totally NOT what all your friends said it was, and that it's NOT what it was cracked up to be. :-/
Sorry for the well, dire truth but there it is. :-/!
*shrug!* :-/

Thanks for your reply. Some of the things you said really hit home, mostly about some of the things he's said since then, mostly vaguely lewd texts and comments on facebook about skinny dipping and being nude (it's hot here). He is older, and while he didn't do anything that would be illegal or even offensive, he really didn't seem to know what he was doing, which really didn't help my nerves one bit. I think he is indeed what you would call the distance type.

I think you're right about embracing myself in the now. I think I'll certainly wait for a while before I try something like that again.

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