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Advice/help please!
victoria_xxxx wrote in asexuality
I have a query I need help with. So I feel sexual attraction, however I really would prefer a relationship that is just as close as a sexual relationship, but not really with sex? Basically what I'm trying to say is that I would have to be in a relationship with someone for a long ass time to then be okay with doing anything too sexual. I don't think that is asexual and I don't know why I feel the need to label myself something, but it's incredibly awkward when I like someone but then have to push them away because I know that would put them off? I really hope this makes sense.

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Totally makes sense to me. But...what was the question part? Not sure where you're asking for advice.

Sorry, what I was basically asking was how do I manage to get across that I don't want a relationship that is based mostly on sex without just putting off people? I don't know one other person that feels like I do, so why would someone who likes the sexual part of a relationship want to be in one with me...sorry, I do realise this is just turning into a jumbled rant right now:')

So you know what's possible : I'm in the 30th year of a happy married relationship where the physical aspect stops at hugging and cuddling and kissing. I just deliberately didn't maintain romantic relationships with people who pressured me for sex. What I always liked to say is "if the train doesn't stop at your station, it's clearly not your train".

Sounds like demisexuality or grey ace to me, where people need a deep and close connection with their partner in order to feel anything like a sexual attraction to them and to feel comfortable with sexual intimacies.

How to explain that to said partner without scaring anyone off is a secret we're all looking for sadly. Always depends on the other person. When they get scared away by that or aren't ready to comptomise they weren't the right ones anyway.

Oh, so that's what demisexuality is. Yes, that basically describes me accurately...
It just seems to be that all that is on people's minds when wanting a relationship is sex and that's so sad, especially at the age I am.
Thank you for replying though, you really did help:)

I'm glad I could help!

Our society is sadly so over sexualised that not wanting sex sticks out like an elephant in a supermarket. I never wanted a relationship which makes it easier in that regard. Doesn't stop all my relatives for being pests about finding a partner to marry and settle down -.-

Edited at 2016-01-04 12:32 am (UTC)

Yes, unfortunately it does. My family teases me about that and I'm no where near old enough to get married so that must be so frustrating for you!:( Do they know you aren't interested in finding a partner?

They know, but they don't understand *sighs*

Could you be confusing romantic attraction with sexual attraction? Lots of people have close relationships without sex being part of it. If it IS sexual attraction then could you be demisexual?


Sex isn't important to everyone. I guess you just have to be honest, maybe tell the person that (for the moment? forever?) sex is off the table. Be clear about what (if anything) you're comfortable with as everyone has different levels. Some asexuals hate all touching, some are ok with hugging, some are ok with kissing.

I could be confusing the pair up I suppose, but I have felt like this before so maybe not.
Oh, I didn't realise that either! I honestly do hate all these labels, but then again labelling everything does make it seem much more clearer in my head...
Well, thank you for replying and helping me out:)

I'm in a similar position. I label myself grey-asexual when a label is necessary, and make it clear from the start with potential partners that I'm looking for a non-sexual romantic relationship. Yes, that has put off a lot of people who I really liked but who were looking for a sexual relationship, but it's much easier on both of us than letting people assume sex might happen. In our society this is a really tough thing to navigate, and I'm still single too. Internet dating helps somewhat, because I write it in my profile which saves me having to try to explain over and over to people at least.

Best of luck with your search, and I hope you find labels you like, or a way to reject them all :-).

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