- (no subject)
- June 18th, 21:39
So, hello there.
Let me give you a little background on myself here. I'm 38 years old, male, and I've been happily married for almost 11 years, and with my wife for 12. I've never had much interest in sex, but my wife and I had sex fairly regularly early on in our marriage (although lately it hasn't been nearly as much). I'll be honest, I never got what the big deal was about it. Even early on, as a teenager, the whole sex thing kind of made me feel really oogy. I didn't even masturbate until I was in my 20s, and was a virgin until I was 26 and my relationship with the woman who would become my wife and thought that's what you kind of did when it got serious. She loved it, and we did it quite frequently because she wanted more. I went along with it, because every now and then I did have a good experience with it.
If it was up to my wife, of course, we'd have it at least weekly.
For the past several years I've self-identified as bisexual, just because I like looking at pretty boys as much as I do pretty girls. But as far as actual sex goes? I'd rather take matters into my own hands to deal with that need. And even that is more out of habit than anything, really. It helps me go to sleep.
I'm finally realizing through various readings and such that I am, in fact, biromantic but asexual. While it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who deals with this, it still makes for teh awkward with my wife. She likes to try to get me interested and initiate sex. While a lot of times I'll go along with it just to make her happy, because I like to make her happy, there are some times that she does it that I just really don't want to, but at the same time, I don't want to hurt her feelings. Which is when I pray for some sort of distraction to kill her mood.
I feel awful, because I know how much she wants it. I've told her on numerous occasions that I'm perfectly okay with her getting a boyfriend or girlfriend/friend with benefits, although I don't have any interest in that. Although a new cuddlebuddy might be fine now and then. Just for variety. I want to talk to her about what I'm discovering about myself, but I worry about hurting her feelings. How do I tell her that I've pretty much been faking my interest in the whole sex thing for 11+ years? And that sometimes when she tries to initiate, I not only don't want to play along, but it kind of makes me feel not good inside when she does it?
This is a new thing to me and I still don't quite know how to handle it. In every other aspect of our relationship, we're in great shape. But this has honestly been a sticking point for years that I've just dealt with in silence. And I don't want to anymore.
The funny thing is, she's a counselor, and I think if a client came to her with a situation like this, she'd have no problems discussing it. But from previous experiences, she's not so good about it when dealing with me in similar situations.
I'm not even sure I'm making sense here. I've been sitting on this entry for a while now, editing, rewriting, thinking about deleting it altogether. I haven't been this confused and, to be honest, frightened, in years.