- Please help me?
- June 3rd, 2010
I've been having some difficulties, lately, with gender identity. It's not something I'm really comfortable discussing with anyone, as I've yet to actually talk to someone who understands, and I don't know where to find someone like that. However, I need to talk this out, and would like some opinions.
I know that people always say, "You don't need labels." Well, if anyone actually knows me, they know that I love my label machine with a fierce passion. I like labels, not because they necessarily make things simpler, but because at least then I know that I know myself. I'm a navel-gazer, I suppose you could say.
The problem, here, is that I have known for about 7 years that I should not be a girl. I hate everything that is feminine about me. I hate my boobs, my uterus, my hips, everything. My dad says that I hate my body because my low self-esteem makes me feel like I don't "deserve" such a good body. (And it is good, I can accept that. I'm not toned, but I'm not flabby. I have a nice figure.) But my body just feels wrong. It doesn't feel like it's mine. I don't know how else to explain it, and no one I've said that to has understood. Ever since I was little I've felt like a brain inside a body. The brain was me, the body was just a vessel, and the vessel feels wrong.
So, for about three years now (before I came across the term) I labeled myself as gender queer. A two-spirit, if you will. I am a biromantic asexual. But really, I'm more of a homoromantic asexual, as when I feel feminine I am attracted to women and when I feel masculine I am attracted to men. I rarely feel feminine. I mean, if I were to ever enter a romantic relationship, it would be with a woman, simply because I am much more comfortable with them, but there's a problem with that: I think I might be a gay man.
I am really only ever attracted to gay men. I have about three sex dreams a year (have since I was eleven) and every time I have one I am a male (the one being "penetrated" if you will). I point out the age that these dreams started because it is about three years before I started reading slash fan fiction, which may contribute to my sex dreams, I admit. I have never had a single dream where I am a female (or even a male with a female).
A friend recommended I get a fake flaccid penis and stuff my pants. I dunno, though, I think that would make me feel even more awkward.
So I know that I am asexual. But now I want to know: am I asexual because A) I just am B) I'm really in the wrong body or C) because I was on medication through a large part of my sexual development. All of these are viable options, and I don't really care that I'm asexual, except for the fact that I fear I will always be alone.
I don't know. I mean, even if I were to ascribe to the label of a gay man in a woman's body, I wouldn't get any corrective surgery (penis growing, I mean, definitely breast reduction (if not mastectomy) and hysterectomy) because living as a transgender is just...not feasible. I would never get a job, or if I did, I doubt I'd have clients. The world just isn't accepting of it yet. So I don't know. This is just eating me up inside and I feel like I'm going crazy. I hate showering because I hate looking at my body. I hate shopping for clothes because everything in the girl's section is just wrong and stuff in the boy's section doesn't fit right. I just need someone to talk to about this, but I don't know if there would be someone who specialized in gender dysphoria down where I live.
I just don't know. What do you guys think?
Edited: Sorry, this was cross-posted to my journal with some minor differences. Forgot to change something.